Faith

Sometimes I struggle with ideas for my blog. And sometimes my mind wanders and an idea will just come to me. This time I was reading one of those "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books. I have about 6 of them that I reread every so often just because they inspire me. To look at things differently. To forgive. To have FAITH.
The last story I read got me thinking about my own life and wondering what part of my life I could relate to what I had just read. It came to me easily but I was hesitant. To write about it here. Because well, its personal. But if I can write about it here and maybe heal a little and help someone else to relate to ME then it will be worth it. So here goes...

2 years ago my husband and I decided that when it came time to celebrate our 10th anniversary we wanted to do it by renewing our vows. This time in church, in front of God. We wanted to have our marriage and family blessed. It was important to us to set an example for our kids about their faith. I have always wanted them to believe that when things were difficult in their lives and they felt they were alone they could always turn to God. I wanted them to know that their dad and I believed the same thing.

And so Memo and I signed up for the classes and went for our sessions to talk with the priest. But there was one particular thing we would have to do that I was both dreading and anticipating at the same time. Confession. You know, where you tell the priest everything you've been holding in or done wrong and ask for forgiveness.
I had been wanting to go to confession for awhile. It had been years! And I had something heavy laying on my heart. Guilt. Years of Guilt. From doubt. In God himself.

Years ago when I found out I was growing a little life inside me I started to pray for my baby. I prayed every night while I was pregnant that he would be healthy. After he was born I added safe to that list.  And as Michael grew bigger I prayed for happiness as well. I did the same with Andrew and Dominic.
Every night I would pray and I would ask the Lord to keep my family healthy, happy and safe. Simple right? But I figured if my family had those 3 things, we would always be alright.

And then a couple days after Michael's 3rd birthday he was diagnosed with Leukemia. Our world changed and nothing was the same as it had been. I instantly thought of all the praying I had done. And I was angry. Angry that of those 3 things I had asked for each of my children, God had taken "healthy" from my son.

We spent long days at the hospital. 12 hour days. Sometimes counselors would come through and see if families needed to vent. One day as Memo and I were laying with Michael a priest came through and asked if we wanted to talk. I refused.

Over the course of  the 3 years Michael received chemotherapy treatment he continued to amaze us, our families and the staff at the hospital. He never had all night bouts of vomiting like they told me he would. He was never so weak that he could not walk. Even after his monthly spinal treatments for which he would be put to sleep he would refuse to sit in the wheel chair to be wheeled to the car. Nope! Once he was awake he would RUN to the elevator! The nurses would give me dirty looks. As if I was being cruel for not MAKING him sit in the wheel chair. But I didn't blame him. I would want to run out of there too!

What I came to realize was that my son was resilient. He was a fighter. He was stronger than I would have been. Then most of us would have been. He came out of those 3 years undaunted. At 6 years old he was as strong and as vibrant as any other boy his age. He was HEALTHY.
He was healthy and I was ridden with guilt. That I had doubted God and doubted my prayers. Doubted that in every struggle there is a lesson learned. God had been watching him all along. And just as I had asked in my prayers, my son WAS healthy, happy and safe.
Like I've said before, I believe that things happen in life that test us AND teach us. About ourselves, about life and about the people around us. Those horrible years taught me a lot of things. But the most valuable is FAITH.

♥ Elena



"Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof" ~ Kahlil Gibran